The Last Month...

Ooops - I haven't updated in awhile have I?  Well, since the last time I posted I became the happy owner of a Surly Long Haul Trucker - Miss Surly, if you please.  I love me some Miss Surly.

Here she is:

That was the day Miss Surly and I went for about a 10-15 mile ride and stopped and hung out with Jane for awhile.

Also in the last month, my meeting went on a retreat in Highland County.  Let me just say:  I knew I was headed for a relapse when I went.  I knew it was a mistake to not only physically separate myself from my support (OA), but to also put myself in a position where I wouldn't be able to reach out for help because there is no cell phone reception in Highland County.  There was a landline where we were staying, but it was in the kitchen , and there was no privacy.  There was something sugary served at every single meal.  My meeting knows I'm a sugar addict, but they don't take that seriously.  One even makes fun of it.  I shouldn't have gone.  I found myself in complete relapse.  I gained six pounds that weekend.  I have struggled to regain my sugar abstinence since then, and so far, I'm losing.

Then, this past weekend, we had visitors at the meeting, so we all had to have lunch.  For the most part the lunch was good and healthy.  Well, first one woman was again mocking the very idea of sugar addiction saying that our cells need a certain amount of sugar to be healthy.  I told her our cells do not need refined sugar or high fructose corn syrup since our ancestors got along fine without those things for millenia.  Any sugar we "need" can be found in fruit and vegetables.   Anyway, desert was chocolate cake.  But, there was also strawberries and whipped cream.  Only after I after I ate a serving of strawberries did they tell me that sugar had been added - and laughed.  Nice.

Anyway, I wrote a letter to my meeting saying I didn't feel I had their support or even their respect when it came to my recovery and that I will not eat with them anymore.  Period.  I'm sorry.  I've tried.  It just doesn't work.  I see the incident with the strawberries as a serious breach of trust and deliberate sabotage.  It wasn't just thoughtlessness.  They wouldn't slip me some Jack Daniels if I were an alcoholic, but to slip a sugar addict sugar - that's funny. 

I want to do this:  2011 Tour de Canal  I sent an e-mail asking for more details.  When they say it is off road, are they saying that my mountain bike would be the appropriate bike to bring?  Would my brandy-new Surly with just a good set of tires on them be the bike to bring?  How hilly is the course?  If it's relatively flat then I'm really not all that worried about it.  I did 35 miles in Florida and then turned around and did 20 more the next day.  I'm in better shape now then I was then.  I meant to ask if I could do one of the 50 mile training rides before deciding if my crazy butt is really going to sign up for the 100 mile ride.

I really hate the thought of having to drive all the way up to DC just to do the qualifying test run, but I suppose I could probably spend the night at the William Penn House since being a Quaker and all - I know the people who run it.  No, I'm not kidding.  I should probably get a bike rack for my car.  Usually I just stuff my bike in the trunk. 

And, if you hadn't guessed from the first paragraph - I am the proud owner of a Surly Long Haul Trucker.  Alas, I can't actually have my Surly until Saturday because I'm having some modifications done to it - mustache handle bars most notably.  They had to order the mustache bars in, so no new bike until Saturday.  I got the 58cm frame because they said that with the mustache bars that I'd be seriously cramped riding a 56cm frame - which they would have otherwise recommended since I tend to like my seat a little low.  So, with the 58cm, if I'm standing over the top tube, there's maybe an inch between my crotch and the top tube.  I find that a little unnerving because I have hit the top tube before.  Not fun!

Wow, it's been awhile since I updated this.  Last time I weighed myself I had lost 32 lbs which is amazing considering how much I've slacked at the gym.  I have been riding my bike pretty much every day - at least to and from work, and usually more.  I let the bike shop raise the seat on my bike.  I have balance issues, so I've never been able to get the full leg extension that they say you should have because I need my toes to at least drag the ground if I drop the feet.  I can't do the stand up on the pedals and then get off the bike thing.  But, now my seat is high enough that I have to at least stand up and move to the front of my seat if I know I'm going to stop because otherwise I'm on my very tippy toes when I drop me feet which is not sufficient to get my balance right.  Let's just say it's been an adventure, and I've come close to falling a few times, but I haven't.

That having been said:  I am getting a new bike!  Weeee!!!!  I'm either getting the Surly LHT or Trek 520.  I don't know which yet.  The bike shop says Trek has a better warranty than Surly, but from all the comparisons I've read online absolutely nobody said:  Buy Trek!  It has the better warranty!  I have also read some complaints about Trek honoring their warranty.  I bounced (literally) into the bike shop this morning, told them I want a new bike (even though keeping my mtn. bike).  I told them that drop handle bars scare me.  I'm afraid I'd wreck, so I don't want drop handle bars.  I told them I want a steel frame, something meant for long distance riding, something that is nice and stable.

Yesterday, I was riding home from work and I couldn't understand why it seemed so hard.  I mean it was WORK to get up Wolfe Street, and I ride up Wolfe Street every day.  I was having cramps in one of my calves.  I was really worried.  This morning, I noticed my front derailler was in third gear.  D'oh!

I forgot to set my alarm last night, so I didn't wake up until 5:50 which is too late to go to the gym. I did, however, ride my bike to work today. I also took the bus down to the Community Services Board with a client, and then we walked the mile and a half back. Obviously, I will ride home when I get off tonight, so I will get some exercise. I did pack my shorts, so it is possible (but not likely) that I could go to the gym and do a short work out tonight. Tomorrow is the last weigh-in for Biggest Loser. I have accepted that I'm not going to win. But, at 26 lbs lost, I'm happy. Hopefully, the downward trend will continue.

I think I've mentioned that I want to get a new bike this summer, and I've been leaning heavily toward the Giant Roam. Well, I've been doing some reading. I haven't read anything bad about the Roam or anything. But, here's what I do want - something that I can conceivably ride for long distances. Really long distances. So, I've been wondering if what I want is a touring bike - inspite of the fact that they do not have front suspension, or straight handle bars. Someone finally explained to me that the reason road bike handle bars look like that is so that you can move your hands around on long rides. I'd already observed riding 35 miles on a Specialized Crosstrail that I lost the feeling in my hands. So, could I make friends with that style handle bar? I don't know. Also, from what I've read, touring bikes are very stable (as stable as my mountain bike?) because they're basically meant as beasts of burden. So, down at my favorite LBS they have not one, not two, but three Surly Long Haul Truckers which seems to be the ultimate touring bike. Alas, I am too damn tall to ride even one of them, and two of them are on reserve for a father and son who are riding across the country this summer. Since they are a Trek dealer, I am assuming there is a Trek 520 - also a touring bike - somewhere in the store. So, maybe I'll try one out and see how it feels. Also of concern, is the price. The Surly is $1100. I am assuming the Trek 520 is a similar cost. That's a lot of money - at least for me.

You Learned To Ride A Bike WHEN????

I just went over to drop my supper off in the fridge at Ye Ol' Evil Part-time Job. One of my co-workers said to me, "I heard you didn't learn to ride a bike until you were in your 30's??"

That is 100% true. I was 36 when I learned to ride a bike. I somehow failed to learn to ride a bike when I was six like a normal human being. Actually, it's no mystery: When I would try to ride my older brother would come along on his bike and knock me off. So, I never learned. It was actually one of my biggest regrets in life.

Then, the summer before I turned 37, I signed up for a spinning class at my gym. The seats on the spinning bikes are truly evil. The instructor recommended padded bike shorts. So, I went into the local bike shop to look at padded bike shorts and mentioned that I couldn't even ride a real bike. One of the people said, "We've taught lots of adults how to ride a bike. You'd be surprised at how many people there are who didn't learn to ride a bike when they were kids." So, I showed up the next Saturday and asked if they could really teach me how to ride a bike, and they did.

My first bike was a Trek 7000 WSD. It had a 19 inch frame which is the tallest woman's frame Trek makes. My mountain bike has a 19.5 inch frame, and I could probably go for a 20 inch. I learned to ride on that bike, but it ultimately wasn't the right bike for me. I needed something with more stability, so I started getting interested in a mountain bike. I had a couple of minor accidents followed by a major one on the 7000. I am absolutely sure that the two minor accidents wouldn't have happened if I'd been on a mountain bike. The major accident involved some black ice, so there was probably nothing that could have saved me from that one.

When I decided I wanted a mountain bike, I also decided that I wanted to try out several. I was willing to pay more for it since I already had a bike. I tried a couple of Gary Fishers, but I don't like the way their frames fit me. The top tubes are too long. I tried a Trek 3700 and the Trek 4300 (which is what I got). I'm told that the 3700 and 4300 have the same frame. But, there was a significant difference in how the two bikes felt to me. I think part of the reason I ended up with the 4300 was that none of the higher end bikes they had in the store were tall enough for me. My only regret is that nobody said to me: For only $150 more we can order you the exact same bike with disc brakes and here are the benefits of disc brakes. It would have saved me some money now. I have never not once fallen off my mountain bike or even come close to it. Even when I accidently ran into the back of a car that cut me off, I didn't fall. I did land on the top tube which sucked. There have been a couple of times when I've come close to losing my balance when I had to drop me feet for some reason, but I never have. I have grown ever more confident of my balance on my 4300, and my seat height keeps creeping up giving me better leg extension and more power when I pedal.

However, I still cannot stand and pedal. I can do it on the spin bikes at the gym, but when I do it on my bike (or any other bike) my knees lock and I can't pedal. I can stand and coast. When I did the 35 miler in Florida, I'd get as much speed as I could, and then I'd stand up to get off that horrible seat for a minute.

My mountain bike has served me well. I am comfortable and confident on it. I will probably always have a mountain bike. But, now, I am ready for another bike besides my mountain bike - something capable of more speed.

Sunday

For those of you who didn't know this: Harrisonburg is hilly. Maybe not as hilly as Staunton, but it's still hilly. One of the things I tell people who are contemplating beginning to ride: You learn little ways of getting around town that avoid the worst traffic and the worst hills. I have dedicated the last two years of my life to that mantra - finding the ways around town that avoid the worst hills and the worst traffic. But, still - it's Harrisonburg. You're gonna go up some hills, and in time, your legs do get stronger.

Sunday there was a big organized bike event where a bunch of people met at Court Square then rode their bikes about 8 miles from town to a farm, and then rode around a gravel loop that was 14 miles or so. I've mentioned that I normally try to avoid the worst hills, right? Well, the route the leaders of this ride chose to get out of Harrisonburg took us right up some of the most monsterous hills in town - hills that it is part of my mission in life to avoid. Add into it that I ride a mountain bike, and there was no way I could keep up with the pack. Then, to add insult to injury, the ride went right past my house. If I would have known that was the route they were going to follow, I would have waited for them at the corner. LOL! I might actually try going that way again sometime to strengthen my legs. I was actually pretty proud of how well I took some of those hills - considering I usually make it my buisness to avoid them. Though, the last really massive hill I had to climb - I had to drop all the way down to my lowest gear. My legs were trembling. It just wasn't a beautiful thing. If there had been another hill, I don't think I could have made it.

I have a migrane coming. My muscles and joints are hurting, and once again, I just couldn't do it at the gym this morning.

I am having disk brakes put on my bike on Friday. Why? Says here that disk brakes perform equally well in all kinds of weather. I bet they also don't scream like a dying goose when they're wet like my current brakes do. One of my neighbors actually complained to the landlord about the noise my brakes sometimes makes. It's loud. People stare. I am sometimes out on my bike after 11:00 pm. Having brakes that can be as loud as a car horn is a problem. Plus, riding in the rain just makes me nervous. I'm not worried about skidding. I ride a mountain bike. I've got awesome traction. I worry about my brakes - especially going down hill. I think every bike commuter has had the lovely experience of having a car pass them like their existence depends on it, and then they realize there's not one full car length between you and that stop sign. So, they cut right in front of you inches from your front tire. I've actually run into the back of a car because of that. If I hit my brakes, I need the bike to stop. I don't always have the luxury of giving myself plenty of stopping distance. So, if I know there's going to be a lot of rain, I still tend to take my car because of all of this. I want to be able to tell Big Oil to kiss my ass this summer. So, I'm getting disc brakes put on my bike.

Disc brakes are expensive. Putting disc brakes on my bike is going to cost more than 1/2 of what it would cost me to just replace the bike. I seriously considered just replacing the bike. But, my next bike isn't going to be a mountain bike, and it is my mountain bike I'm most likely to ride if the weather is less than wonderful. My next bike will probably be a Giant Roam 1. I've test rode it a couple of times. When I went to Florida I wanted to rent one for the week, but the closest they had was a Specialized Crosstrail. I loved that bike (hated the saddle). It had all the features that I truly love about my mountain bike (flat handle bars, front suspension, etc), it had close to the stability of my mountain bike, but it is a lot lighter than my mountain bike and capable of a lot more speed. Sometimes I just really get pissed off at everyone passing me.

The Local Bike Shop I usually frequent - the bike shop that taught me how to ride a bike - doesn't carry Giant or Specialized. They carry Trek and Gary Fisher. The nearest Trek equivelent of the Giant Roam 1 is $200 more. They've tried to convince me that what I really want is a flat bar road bike. Road bikes don't have front suspension. I'm very devoted to the cause of front suspension. I have an old back. Hitting railroad or potholes tracks without front suspension sucks. I also ride in enough iffy areas that I don't think I'd feel safe on a road bike. They also tried to sell me on the idea of a 29 inch mountain bike which is heavier than the Roam or Crosstrail. Also, all of Trek's 29ers are built to Gary Fisher specs, and Gary Fisher is not a comfortable fit for me. So, sometime in the next few months, I'm considering doing something that feels incredibly disloyal - buying a bike from another shop.

It Occurs To Me That I Haven't Updated For Awhile

Anyone who reads my other blog knows that my father passed away, so I was gone for a bit. I managed to make it through the trip to Florida without any major binges. I rented a bike while I was down there and rode at least 20 miles each day I was there. The day after my father's funeral, I participated in an organized bike event in which I rode 35 miles. It was actually 39 if you consider that I rode to/from the park. Do I have a point? Yes, I do. I somehow managed to not lose any weight while I was gone. I didn't bugger up my calories once while I was there. I ate the equivalent of a candy bar. ONE candy bar. Not once did I actually go over my calorie budget. The day of the big bicycle event I was more than 2000 calores below budget. Yet, I somehow didn't lose any weight. That pisses me off. Though it does occur to me that I should take what the scale said with a big grain of salt - 1) I weighed in at the end of the day when I usually weigh in the morning. That can make a few pounds of difference. 2) It's THAT time of the month. I don't usually gain a lot of weight during this week, but I do gain some. So, hopefully, I end up being down at least a little bit. Though by this time I was hoping to be a lot further down. Oh well.

On the day that I did the 35 mile Tour de Parks - as always the people closest to me thought I couldn't do it. It took about 2 1/2 hours to do it. I felt well enough to ride 20 miles along the intercoastal waterway the next morning. When I got home I was still breathing hard (and dripping in sweat). My sister was all, "Are you okay?" Because she has no concept that when you exercise you're supposed to breath hard. Then, because it was the day that I needed to return the rental bike to the shop, I asked her if she would pick me up at the bike shop after I rode it back. She said, "But, mom said you weren't going to be able to move today..." Insulting much? Anyway, I ended up having to load the bike into the trunk of her car and drive it back myself because God forbid she actually get up and do something.

I made it to 19.2 lbs lost.  I think that's pretty good for two months.  I'm still behind some other people in Biggest Loser, but let's see where we all are a year from now.....

I started having dizzy spells on Thursday.  I am sure I'm eating enough, and I am eating very healthy.  Healthier than I have ever eaten before in my life.  Yesterday, I was at my sister's house, and I had a dizzy spell that was bad enough to be noticable.  My mom and grandmother are already convinced I'm starving myself.  They were there yesterday armed with two packages of cookies, and they ordered pizza.  I was amazed at how not tempted I felt.  I even went grocery shopping, walked right down the junk food aisle, and was almost to the end of the aisle before it even registered what aisle I was in.

By the time I got home my dizziness had become a migrane.  It was almost 80 degrees yesterday.  I had been looking forward to it all week long.  But, by the time I got back from my sister's house I pretty much had a migrane.  I went to bed early - 7:30 ish I think - and around 9:30 my step-mother called.  Suffice it to say my dad is not doing well at all.  When he gets out of the hospital this time, my step-mother thinks they're going to have to call in hospice.  Of course that means that they're finally admitting that this is the end.  No more treatment.  I don't know if my dad is really there yet, but my poor step-mother and sisters really can't keep taking care of him without help.

After I spoke to my step-mother, I was wide awake, and I was very determined that I was going to go to Food Kitty to get some chocolate ice cream.  I decided I would lay on the sofa, watch Harry Potter, and eat the whole damn container.  Here's how addle minded I was last night - the reason I didn't do it......  wait for it......  I couldn't find my bike helmet.  The keys to my fully functioning car were right beside the front door.  But, I couldn't find my bike helmet.  Therefore, I couldn't go anywhere.

It is still nice out today, and I did go out for a bike ride.  I rode my bike to OA, to the bikeshop, back home for lunch, then to work.  I will ride it home when I get off at 8:00 pm.  I still have a headache though, and I don't know what's causing it.  I hope it's not the backlight on my Droidpad.

Friday I had no strength at the gym - I mean zippity doo-dah.  I just couldn't do it.  My muscles and joints were really hurting.  That should have been my first clue that a migrane was coming.  This morning, my computer decided it hates me, and I spent up until time to go to OA on the phone arguing with Dell.  Let me tell you nothing makes me want to eat compulsively like being angry.

According to the gym scale this morning, I have lost 18.2 pounds.  I am actually semi-hopeful that I'll be down 20 lbs by Saturday weigh-in.  What this means is that I'm pretty much back to where I was before I broke my leg.  I am hoping to lose another 5 or 6 before I go to Florida for no particular reason at all. 

There's not a lot to report.  The time change has got me completely buggered as The Professor would say.  It hurt when the alarm went off at 5:00 and my body was saying, "No!  It's only 4:00!  Go back to sleep!"  I did, however, manage to drag my lazy behind up out of the bed and go to the gym for a 36 minute cardio.  Plus, I was really digging the fact that it was daylight at 6:30.  But, not anymore.  I'm thinking I'll really like the fact that it's daylight when I peddle home tonight.  However, I am so completely wiped out that I'm thinking about skipping my OA meeting tonight.  The only reason I'm even hesitating is because then I'll have to wait until Saturday for another meeting to come up.

My step-mother handled me telling her that basically I'll have to do all my own cooking while I'm there pretty well.  We'll see how my dad does with it.  I'm not saying I won't eat with the family.  I'm just going to eat my own food.  I had to go to Mom's yesterday for the twins' birthday party, and Mom just took it as a personal insult that I brought my own food.  She was like, "You're still on you're diet, but I cooked all this.... and who's going to eat all these carrots...." it just went on and on.  Like it's not hard enough to be there with all that food right in your face.  I think the twins had a nice birthday.  Although they did not like the birthday cake. 

This Amused Me

In my job, we do safety plans with all of our clients - how to stay safe in an unsafe situation.  So, I shared at my last OA meeting that I am definitely going to Florida to see my dad, and my sponsor said, "So, we need to create a safety plan for you..."  Just hearing the words "safety plan" used in that context really amused me.  Although, it is an appropriate use of the term.  For me, a compulsive overeater and sugar addict, going to my dad's house is an unsafe situation.  So, step one in my safety plan was to alert my step-mother that I am on a fairly strict diet, and that I'll have to cook for myself while I'm down there.  And that I'll probably have to go grocery shopping almost immediately when I get there.  I'll be carrying lunch, dinner, and a snack with me when I travel, but I still have to eat the next day.  As much as possible, I'd like to keep to my normal schedule of:  Get up, go to the gym, come home, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one shot.  It makes for a hectic morning, but it makes the rest of my day soooo much easier.  It makes eating on a schedule so so so much easier.  When, it's time to eat, I just pop my plastic container in the microwave and eat.  All of my meals are carefully planned and measured out - sometimes days in advance.  I know exactly what I am going to eat - and how much of it I'm going to eat - for every meal from now until payday.

Something else that amuses me is that the local chapter of OA meets at my step-mother's church.  I could almost walk or ride a bike there.  My sponsor said there is a number I can call, and if need be, they will come and pick me up to take me to meetings.  I'm trying to decide between a gym membership and a bike while I'm down there.  The gym membership is more cost effective - and ultimately - a better calorie burn.  But, the last two times I've been down there, my family has effectively held me hostage without a car.  I can have the bike delivered to the house.

As of this morning, I have lost 15.6 lbs.  It might actually be a little more because I hadn't yet gone to the bathroom when I weighed myself this morning.  I usually try to weigh myself AFTER I've gone to the bathroom and before I eat anything.  I am also ridiculously happy that I can wear the pants I'm wearing and not have a muffin top.  I also have a pair of jeans that I bought after the start of biggest loser that I can now pull up and down without ever unbuttoning them.

I had a set back on Friday night.  I ate red meat.  I know that sounds strange since there's nothing wrong with red meat in and of itself, but it's not a food I can generally eat in moderation.  I also never realized how high calorie a steak is before Friday night.  It completely screwed my food budget on Friday.

I can give all the excuses of the constant exposure to junk food all week long, being chased around by a co-worker with a piece of cake, male friend who unitentionally hurt me.  But, it doesn't matter.  I'm back in the saddle.

I had an Oh Shit moment last night and this morning.  I was cooking dinner and generally knocking around my kitchen when I opened my fridge door and the light didn't come on.  I put my hand on the front of the fridge and realized it wasn't humming.  It was off.  I had an epic freak out.  I have two weeks worth of food in my freezer.  I don't get paid again until the 15th.  I cannot afford to lose that food.  What if it took my landlord awhile to get around to replacing/repairing the fridge?  How would I stick to my food plan?  I tossed and turned all night last night because of it, so working until 11pm tonight is going to SUCK.  So, this morning I called my landlord, and the office manager said she would send someone right over.  It was the circuit breaker.  Apparently my fridge and one outlet I don't usually use are on a breaker all by their little lonesome.  Boy did I feel dumb.

I was talking to the bike shop about which would be more affordable - for me - to pay the cost of putting disc brakes onto the bike I already own, or buying another bike that already has disc brakes on it.  The cost of a Trek 4300 (what I have) with disc brakes is $675.  The cost of putting disc brakes onto my bike would be a good $450 - that's still $225 less than buying a new bike and $225 is $225.  That's a lot of money.  Also, I haven't ruled out wanting the Giant Roam as a second bike.  Disc brakes or no - I would never be comfortable enough on that bike to ride it in the rain, but it would be a great sun and fun bike.  I have my commuter bike for sale on Craigslist.  My add clearly says that it's a good bike for a tall person.  Yet, until last night, the only response I'd gotten was from someone who is only 5'5".  But, yesterday, a man in Charlottesville called, asked if a man could ride it (why wouldn't a man be able to ride it?), and if I thought 5'9" was too short to ride it.  He wanted to come last night which I didn't see the point in coming all the way from Charlottesville to see it at night.  Officially, he is now going to come see it on Saturday.  It briefly occured to me that he was trying to find out where I live, so he could come steal the bike.  So, I've moved it inside the house.  I have my mountain bike with me at work, but I will also be keeping it inside the house for the time being.  I have locks for both the bikes, but locks can be cut off.

Yesterday was a rough day.  I knew before I ever left the house that it was going to be a bad day.  Before I ever left the house I was having a Murphy's Law kind of morning.  If it could have went wrong it probably did.  A little voice in my head said, "Call in sick."  But, I didn't call in sick because I wasn't sick.  I went to work.

When I arrived at work, I went to the staff kitchen to put my lunch and dinner away, and there it was.  It was just sitting on the counter.  It could have been a package of crackers, but I just knew that wasn't what it was.  I actually stopped dead in my tracks and leaned back to get a better look.  Yup.  Chocolate chip cookies.  With great determination, I picked them up and hid them in the cabinet.  The problem was that I still knew they were there.  They called to me all damn morning.  When I went down to the corner store to get some drugs caffiene, the craving for Reece's Cup - hell a Hershey's bar - ANYTHING was stronger than it usually was.  Finally, lunch time arrived, and I was starting to feel like I was back under control.  Then, some well meaning woman showed up at our front door with three BIG BOXES of Little Debbies. 

And, that is how I ended up locked in the bathroom, crying on the phone to another OA member, and desperately digging through my OA books looking for something - anything - that would get me through.  One thing is becoming clear - I desperately need another job.  Not only because this one doesn't pay worth a damn, but because this place is unhealthy for me.  People drop junk food off here all the time thinking it's a good deed.  It's constant temptation, and sooner or later, I'll probably end up giving in.  Just like an alcoholic working in a bar will eventually give in.  It doesn't matter if I get the intern or someone to put it away where I can't see it.  I know it's there.

Then, this morning, I simply couldn't drag myself out of bed to go to the gym.  My entire body aches.  It's like withdrawal all over again, and I didn't give in.  I did manage to ride my bike to work, and I have to go to the gym tonight because it's Biggest Loser night.  Tomorrow I have to work at Ye Ol' Evil Part-time Job.  We're still on 4- 11.  I need the money from this crap job, but I really don't know how much longer I can stand this 4-11.  It's too much.  That's 15 hour work day for me, and 5:00 am comes really early in the morning.

OA Retreat

There is an OA Retreat in Virginia Beach in April.  I would like to go.  If I go as a daytripper, I can actually afford to go.  Virginia Beach is kind of far to drive to and from there in a single day.  That's 8 hours on the road.  I have a friend (not McStupid) in Norfolk.  I thought about asking her if I can stay with her, but I don't want anyone in my RL to know about OA.  It's not like I can say, "Can I come stay with you, so I can go to this conference that you're not allowed to know what it's for..."  I briefly (about 2 seconds) thought about saying it had something to do with Second Life, but then I'd be afraid that she'd decide to tag along. 

Another Fight With My Sister

The cheesy chicken meatloaf was lacking something.  I can't quite say what.  I think whenever I make it again that I will 1) actually use Colby cheese and not mozzarella, 2) maybe add some garlic or onion.  I didn't put any salt in it because I assume the food industry had already taken care of that for me.

But, anyway, I was talking to my sister via IM, and I mentioned that the cheesy chicken meatloaf was missing someone.  She started in on how she is serious about beef in her meatloaf, and how turkey sausage has some seriously bad shit in it, and that her mother-in-law is always trying to push it on them.  I pointed out that the food industry also puts some seriously bad shit into beef.  I also think she was just venting the stress of having just had her mother-in-law down for a visit.  But, still..... not eating red meat is not a subject that is open for debate.  Accept it or not, but not accepting it doesn't change anything except cause stress between us.  Besides, I don't go to other people's houses and critique their food.  I may not eat it, but if they want to eat it, that's fine by me.

I am thinking that I might cook another meatloaf tomorrow and a quiche to cut up and put into the freezer for the upcoming week.  I spend way too much time online researching things that I can cook to put some variety in my diet.  There ain't but so much beans and rice, chicken and rice, fish and rice (see a trend here?) that I can eat.

I was a lazy slack this morning and didn't get up to go to the gym.  I am going to try and squeeze in a 24-30 minute cardio between leaving here and going to Ye Ol' Evil Part-time Job.  I wasn't even all that tired this morning, it was just KNOWING that I have to work until 11:00 tonight that made me want to stay in bed.

Today J, C, and I were talking about going to the grocery store.  I said I had thought I needed to go to the grocery store, but then I realized I have a container of breadcrumbs already.  C. was like, "Are you going to eat the breadcrumbs?"  Seriously?  WTF do people think I'm doing?  And, it's not like she hasn't seen me eating.  I come to work every day equipped with a lunch and two snacks.  I informed her that I'm making meatloaf with ground chicken instead of ground beef.

But, seriously - Why do people act like they think I'm starving myself?  Especially a person who sees me with food and eating food every day?  And what kind of a lunatic would eat straight breadcrumbs?  I do have to go to the store now though to buy milk.  Booooooo....  Yes, there are foods I can't eat because they trigger a binge for me.  Yes, I do miss those foods.  But, really, in one way this has been relatively pain free because there's very little time that I'm hungry.  I eat.  I get three meals a day and snacks.  But, in another way, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done because it meant finally confronting the food addictions, carefully planning every meal, and not giving into cravings.

Jilly asked about food plan vs. counting calories.  I do not know what a food plan is.  It is a term I hear tossed around a lot in OA, but nobody has explained it to me yet.  I use the program on Loseit.com to both track calories and to plan my meals for the day because I do very carefully plan every meal.  Normally, I cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the same time.  That way I'm not tempted to say:  HELLO PAPA JOHN's!  I have a planned, measured, etc meal that I can just pop into the microwave.  Because meatloaf takes a little more effort, I'm making it tonight.  Then, I will eat my portion for tonight and put the rest of it into freezer bags and into the freezer.  Then, it'll make its way into the rotation of what I eat this coming week.

Things I am absolutely not eating: 1) Anything with refined sugar in it.  I never knew before how hard it was to simply avoid sugar.  Plus, people really wig out when you say you can't have anything with sugar in it.  What must my diabetic friends go through?  2) Red meat.  It's sad, but red meat is a trigger for me.  I love nothing more than a medium rare steak.  I am still using beef broth to cook my rice and beans in.  I think it actually helps with not having really bad cravings for red meat.  3) Any kind of snack food that you can just kind of eat repetitively without thinking about it - including carrot sticks.  I know that seems odd, but I've caught myself munching on baby carrots when I wasn't even hungry.  It's just a compulsion. 

I am also paying passing attention to the glycemic index because of being insulin resistant.  I've traded white bread for wheat bread, white rice for brown rice, and regular pasta for wheat or whole grain pasta.  The white bread was the one that really hurt.  I really liked the Italian bread I used to get, but the honey wheat bread I've traded for is not half bad.  I've discovered that I like brown rice more than white rice because it actually tastes like something.  I didn't used to understand how anyone could like rice.  To me, white rice has no taste.  It is just something to fill you up.  I try to eat completely vegetarian either two days a week or five meals - they don't have to all be on the same day.  A lot of times I eat beans and rice for lunch, but then I have chicken or fish for supper.  On Saturday, I get a mashed potato.  I go to the store special to buy one single potato.  The cashiers at Food Lion probably think I've lost my mind.  I only buy a single potato at a time because I figure by the time I got through a five pound bag it would have started getting funky.  It also removes the temptation to make more than a single serving of mashed potatoes.  I love me some potatoes.  I am, afterall, Irish.

Something else I'm avoiding is Second Life.  I have a theory that it might be one of my triggers.  Instead of going out and doing something like hiking, biking, playing ball, whatever - I sit in front of the computer playing Second Life.  Instead of getting up off of my fat butt and making a healthy dinner, I sit in front of the computer, playing SL, and snacking all night long.  I haven't given it up completely.  I do consider some of those people to be my friends like I consider some Shelfers to be my friends.  But, I do spend significantly less time in world than I used to.  Instead I'm watching a lot of British television online because it doesn't require me to interact with it.  I want to get a decent set of speakers for my computer, so I can put up the volume and still here it if I'm ratting around in the kitchen.

"How's your diet going?"  It was the first thing I heard when I got to work this morning.  I hear it a lot.  I get tired of it.  I'm not on a diet.  Diets have begininings and ends.  Diets are generally not sustainable long term.  That is why most diets fail and fail miserably.  What I'm doing is a permanent life style change.  By the grace of God, there will be no return to the way I ate before.

We were in Biggest Loser last night.  Mallory announced the top four after first weigh-in.  At first, I was upset because I'm not in the top four.  All of the top four have lost 20 lbs or more.  I've only lost ten so far.  But, thinking about it, I have lost the absolute most weight I could possibly lose and be healthy and safe.  Losing more would have meant serious crash dieting and possibly binging.  It would have meant excessive exercising which could have caused injuries, and I need more injuries like I need - well, more injuries.  So, I am comfortable with the weight I have lost - even if it means I don't win Biggest Loser. 

One of the first things I heard in OA was someone say that being in recovery changes your relationships.  Okay, I get that - an alcoholic in recovery can't go hang out with his drinking buddies.  At the time I heard it, I was still too preocupied with thoughts of never having another Reece's Cup or another medium rare steak for as long as I live to contemplate the possible change or even loss of relationships.

Almost as soon as I made up my mind to deal with this issue, I had a huge fight with my sister over it.  I mentioned in my very first post that people resist change.  My sister doesn't want me to change.  My four year old niece doesn't want me to change.  She still wants me to be the same aunt that takes her to get a treat after ballet every week.  She's been very upset and telling EVERYONE who will stand still and listen to her, "Aunt can't have sugar anymore."  Folks, this is a four year old.  Children are supposed to be adaptable and resillient.

Since I've started this adventure, I don't eat out.  I actually try not to eat at other people's houses unless I bring my own food.  I have a friend I used to eat out with a lot.  So, the change in my routine has forced a change in hers.  This person is also quite heavy.  So, Saturday night, she asked if I wanted to go hang out at Barnes and Noble after I got off from work.  I didn't get off until 8pm, so that was well past supper time, I assumed I was safe.  I got to Barnes and Noble, went to the part of the store where we usually meet up, and she wasn't there.  I knew she was in the store somewhere, so I texted her to ask where she was.  She responded that she was in the cafe.  I can't go and sit in the cafe at Barnes and Noble anymore than a newly sober alcoholic can go sit in a bar.  I actually found just being in Barnes and Noble to be difficult.  I associate going to Barnes and Noble with getting a treat.  I texted her back telling her where I was and got comfortable.

It took her almost ten minutes to take the hint and come to where I was.  I didn't say anything about it.  I'm sure if I asked her what she was thinking, she would either say she wasn't thinking, or that she was thinking that the cafe tables were a damn convenient place to put her laptop.  But, I can't help but wonder if it wasn't a passive aggressive attempt to force me back into my mold, so that things can go back to like they were before.

New Blog

I decided to start a new blog that few, if anyone from my RL, will have access to.  There's several reasons for this not the least of which is one friend who doesn't do well at keeping confidences.  I don't think that it's malicious.  She's a great friend in many other ways.  She just has a big mouth.  The other reason also has to do with this same person because she tends to have a "monkey see, monkey do..." thing going on.  I don't want her, or anyone else in my RL, to know I've joined Overeaters Anonymous.  But, in her case, I don't want her to start showing up at OA because that brings us right back to problem #1.  I like having a place I can go and say things I not only wouldn't but couldn't say anything else.  Example: "I absolutely believe that God (a power greater than myself) can restore me to sanity and remove the character defect of compulsive overeating and sugar addiction.  I'm just not sure I believe that he will.  My experience with God hasn't actually been like that.  Usually, if I pray for something the exact opposite is almost guaranteed to happen."  There is no place outside of OA I could ever safely say that IRL.  If I said that at the meeting house, the verbal smack down I would get would hurt worse than a physical slap or punch ever could.  I might even get put out of membership.  If I said it in front of Big Mouth, it would probably get brought up at the next meeting of the C.S. Lewis Society.

Also, having nothing to do with this person - at this point - I don't want anyone in my RL knowing about Overeaters Anonymous.  My family that lives around me - we don't do 12 Step Groups.  We don't do counseling.  We don't get help.  To admit being powerless over my addiction is a huge character flaw.  But, if I'm successful with achieving long term abstinence from sugar addiction, then that means maybe they could start confronting their own addictions.  They don't want that.  People like themselves how they are - whether they admit it or not.  When one person in a group - especially in a family - starts changing then everyone around them is forced out of their comfort zone and forced to make changes as well.  Since people don't like that, it is human nature, that they will try and force the *trouble maker* back into their mold, so that everything can go back to how we like it.  So, I'm trying to be as secretive about what I'm doing as possible.  I don't want to argue with my family about not eating any refined sugar.  I don't want to argue with them about not eating red meat, and that would be a huge argument.

I think I'd even get opposition from my Meeting if they knew about it - because if I need OA then there's something that I need there that I'm not getting from the Meeeting, and that idea would be offensive to them.