Friday, February 25, 2011
OA Retreat
There is an OA Retreat in Virginia Beach in April. I would like to go. If I go as a daytripper, I can actually afford to go. Virginia Beach is kind of far to drive to and from there in a single day. That's 8 hours on the road. I have a friend (not McStupid) in Norfolk. I thought about asking her if I can stay with her, but I don't want anyone in my RL to know about OA. It's not like I can say, "Can I come stay with you, so I can go to this conference that you're not allowed to know what it's for..." I briefly (about 2 seconds) thought about saying it had something to do with Second Life, but then I'd be afraid that she'd decide to tag along.
Another Fight With My Sister
The cheesy chicken meatloaf was lacking something. I can't quite say what. I think whenever I make it again that I will 1) actually use Colby cheese and not mozzarella, 2) maybe add some garlic or onion. I didn't put any salt in it because I assume the food industry had already taken care of that for me.
But, anyway, I was talking to my sister via IM, and I mentioned that the cheesy chicken meatloaf was missing someone. She started in on how she is serious about beef in her meatloaf, and how turkey sausage has some seriously bad shit in it, and that her mother-in-law is always trying to push it on them. I pointed out that the food industry also puts some seriously bad shit into beef. I also think she was just venting the stress of having just had her mother-in-law down for a visit. But, still..... not eating red meat is not a subject that is open for debate. Accept it or not, but not accepting it doesn't change anything except cause stress between us. Besides, I don't go to other people's houses and critique their food. I may not eat it, but if they want to eat it, that's fine by me.
I am thinking that I might cook another meatloaf tomorrow and a quiche to cut up and put into the freezer for the upcoming week. I spend way too much time online researching things that I can cook to put some variety in my diet. There ain't but so much beans and rice, chicken and rice, fish and rice (see a trend here?) that I can eat.
I was a lazy slack this morning and didn't get up to go to the gym. I am going to try and squeeze in a 24-30 minute cardio between leaving here and going to Ye Ol' Evil Part-time Job. I wasn't even all that tired this morning, it was just KNOWING that I have to work until 11:00 tonight that made me want to stay in bed.
But, anyway, I was talking to my sister via IM, and I mentioned that the cheesy chicken meatloaf was missing someone. She started in on how she is serious about beef in her meatloaf, and how turkey sausage has some seriously bad shit in it, and that her mother-in-law is always trying to push it on them. I pointed out that the food industry also puts some seriously bad shit into beef. I also think she was just venting the stress of having just had her mother-in-law down for a visit. But, still..... not eating red meat is not a subject that is open for debate. Accept it or not, but not accepting it doesn't change anything except cause stress between us. Besides, I don't go to other people's houses and critique their food. I may not eat it, but if they want to eat it, that's fine by me.
I am thinking that I might cook another meatloaf tomorrow and a quiche to cut up and put into the freezer for the upcoming week. I spend way too much time online researching things that I can cook to put some variety in my diet. There ain't but so much beans and rice, chicken and rice, fish and rice (see a trend here?) that I can eat.
I was a lazy slack this morning and didn't get up to go to the gym. I am going to try and squeeze in a 24-30 minute cardio between leaving here and going to Ye Ol' Evil Part-time Job. I wasn't even all that tired this morning, it was just KNOWING that I have to work until 11:00 tonight that made me want to stay in bed.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Today J, C, and I were talking about going to the grocery store. I said I had thought I needed to go to the grocery store, but then I realized I have a container of breadcrumbs already. C. was like, "Are you going to eat the breadcrumbs?" Seriously? WTF do people think I'm doing? And, it's not like she hasn't seen me eating. I come to work every day equipped with a lunch and two snacks. I informed her that I'm making meatloaf with ground chicken instead of ground beef.
But, seriously - Why do people act like they think I'm starving myself? Especially a person who sees me with food and eating food every day? And what kind of a lunatic would eat straight breadcrumbs? I do have to go to the store now though to buy milk. Booooooo.... Yes, there are foods I can't eat because they trigger a binge for me. Yes, I do miss those foods. But, really, in one way this has been relatively pain free because there's very little time that I'm hungry. I eat. I get three meals a day and snacks. But, in another way, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done because it meant finally confronting the food addictions, carefully planning every meal, and not giving into cravings.
Jilly asked about food plan vs. counting calories. I do not know what a food plan is. It is a term I hear tossed around a lot in OA, but nobody has explained it to me yet. I use the program on Loseit.com to both track calories and to plan my meals for the day because I do very carefully plan every meal. Normally, I cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the same time. That way I'm not tempted to say: HELLO PAPA JOHN's! I have a planned, measured, etc meal that I can just pop into the microwave. Because meatloaf takes a little more effort, I'm making it tonight. Then, I will eat my portion for tonight and put the rest of it into freezer bags and into the freezer. Then, it'll make its way into the rotation of what I eat this coming week.
Things I am absolutely not eating: 1) Anything with refined sugar in it. I never knew before how hard it was to simply avoid sugar. Plus, people really wig out when you say you can't have anything with sugar in it. What must my diabetic friends go through? 2) Red meat. It's sad, but red meat is a trigger for me. I love nothing more than a medium rare steak. I am still using beef broth to cook my rice and beans in. I think it actually helps with not having really bad cravings for red meat. 3) Any kind of snack food that you can just kind of eat repetitively without thinking about it - including carrot sticks. I know that seems odd, but I've caught myself munching on baby carrots when I wasn't even hungry. It's just a compulsion.
I am also paying passing attention to the glycemic index because of being insulin resistant. I've traded white bread for wheat bread, white rice for brown rice, and regular pasta for wheat or whole grain pasta. The white bread was the one that really hurt. I really liked the Italian bread I used to get, but the honey wheat bread I've traded for is not half bad. I've discovered that I like brown rice more than white rice because it actually tastes like something. I didn't used to understand how anyone could like rice. To me, white rice has no taste. It is just something to fill you up. I try to eat completely vegetarian either two days a week or five meals - they don't have to all be on the same day. A lot of times I eat beans and rice for lunch, but then I have chicken or fish for supper. On Saturday, I get a mashed potato. I go to the store special to buy one single potato. The cashiers at Food Lion probably think I've lost my mind. I only buy a single potato at a time because I figure by the time I got through a five pound bag it would have started getting funky. It also removes the temptation to make more than a single serving of mashed potatoes. I love me some potatoes. I am, afterall, Irish.
Something else I'm avoiding is Second Life. I have a theory that it might be one of my triggers. Instead of going out and doing something like hiking, biking, playing ball, whatever - I sit in front of the computer playing Second Life. Instead of getting up off of my fat butt and making a healthy dinner, I sit in front of the computer, playing SL, and snacking all night long. I haven't given it up completely. I do consider some of those people to be my friends like I consider some Shelfers to be my friends. But, I do spend significantly less time in world than I used to. Instead I'm watching a lot of British television online because it doesn't require me to interact with it. I want to get a decent set of speakers for my computer, so I can put up the volume and still here it if I'm ratting around in the kitchen.
But, seriously - Why do people act like they think I'm starving myself? Especially a person who sees me with food and eating food every day? And what kind of a lunatic would eat straight breadcrumbs? I do have to go to the store now though to buy milk. Booooooo.... Yes, there are foods I can't eat because they trigger a binge for me. Yes, I do miss those foods. But, really, in one way this has been relatively pain free because there's very little time that I'm hungry. I eat. I get three meals a day and snacks. But, in another way, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done because it meant finally confronting the food addictions, carefully planning every meal, and not giving into cravings.
Jilly asked about food plan vs. counting calories. I do not know what a food plan is. It is a term I hear tossed around a lot in OA, but nobody has explained it to me yet. I use the program on Loseit.com to both track calories and to plan my meals for the day because I do very carefully plan every meal. Normally, I cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner all at the same time. That way I'm not tempted to say: HELLO PAPA JOHN's! I have a planned, measured, etc meal that I can just pop into the microwave. Because meatloaf takes a little more effort, I'm making it tonight. Then, I will eat my portion for tonight and put the rest of it into freezer bags and into the freezer. Then, it'll make its way into the rotation of what I eat this coming week.
Things I am absolutely not eating: 1) Anything with refined sugar in it. I never knew before how hard it was to simply avoid sugar. Plus, people really wig out when you say you can't have anything with sugar in it. What must my diabetic friends go through? 2) Red meat. It's sad, but red meat is a trigger for me. I love nothing more than a medium rare steak. I am still using beef broth to cook my rice and beans in. I think it actually helps with not having really bad cravings for red meat. 3) Any kind of snack food that you can just kind of eat repetitively without thinking about it - including carrot sticks. I know that seems odd, but I've caught myself munching on baby carrots when I wasn't even hungry. It's just a compulsion.
I am also paying passing attention to the glycemic index because of being insulin resistant. I've traded white bread for wheat bread, white rice for brown rice, and regular pasta for wheat or whole grain pasta. The white bread was the one that really hurt. I really liked the Italian bread I used to get, but the honey wheat bread I've traded for is not half bad. I've discovered that I like brown rice more than white rice because it actually tastes like something. I didn't used to understand how anyone could like rice. To me, white rice has no taste. It is just something to fill you up. I try to eat completely vegetarian either two days a week or five meals - they don't have to all be on the same day. A lot of times I eat beans and rice for lunch, but then I have chicken or fish for supper. On Saturday, I get a mashed potato. I go to the store special to buy one single potato. The cashiers at Food Lion probably think I've lost my mind. I only buy a single potato at a time because I figure by the time I got through a five pound bag it would have started getting funky. It also removes the temptation to make more than a single serving of mashed potatoes. I love me some potatoes. I am, afterall, Irish.
Something else I'm avoiding is Second Life. I have a theory that it might be one of my triggers. Instead of going out and doing something like hiking, biking, playing ball, whatever - I sit in front of the computer playing Second Life. Instead of getting up off of my fat butt and making a healthy dinner, I sit in front of the computer, playing SL, and snacking all night long. I haven't given it up completely. I do consider some of those people to be my friends like I consider some Shelfers to be my friends. But, I do spend significantly less time in world than I used to. Instead I'm watching a lot of British television online because it doesn't require me to interact with it. I want to get a decent set of speakers for my computer, so I can put up the volume and still here it if I'm ratting around in the kitchen.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
"How's your diet going?" It was the first thing I heard when I got to work this morning. I hear it a lot. I get tired of it. I'm not on a diet. Diets have begininings and ends. Diets are generally not sustainable long term. That is why most diets fail and fail miserably. What I'm doing is a permanent life style change. By the grace of God, there will be no return to the way I ate before.
We were in Biggest Loser last night. Mallory announced the top four after first weigh-in. At first, I was upset because I'm not in the top four. All of the top four have lost 20 lbs or more. I've only lost ten so far. But, thinking about it, I have lost the absolute most weight I could possibly lose and be healthy and safe. Losing more would have meant serious crash dieting and possibly binging. It would have meant excessive exercising which could have caused injuries, and I need more injuries like I need - well, more injuries. So, I am comfortable with the weight I have lost - even if it means I don't win Biggest Loser.
We were in Biggest Loser last night. Mallory announced the top four after first weigh-in. At first, I was upset because I'm not in the top four. All of the top four have lost 20 lbs or more. I've only lost ten so far. But, thinking about it, I have lost the absolute most weight I could possibly lose and be healthy and safe. Losing more would have meant serious crash dieting and possibly binging. It would have meant excessive exercising which could have caused injuries, and I need more injuries like I need - well, more injuries. So, I am comfortable with the weight I have lost - even if it means I don't win Biggest Loser.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
One of the first things I heard in OA was someone say that being in recovery changes your relationships. Okay, I get that - an alcoholic in recovery can't go hang out with his drinking buddies. At the time I heard it, I was still too preocupied with thoughts of never having another Reece's Cup or another medium rare steak for as long as I live to contemplate the possible change or even loss of relationships.
Almost as soon as I made up my mind to deal with this issue, I had a huge fight with my sister over it. I mentioned in my very first post that people resist change. My sister doesn't want me to change. My four year old niece doesn't want me to change. She still wants me to be the same aunt that takes her to get a treat after ballet every week. She's been very upset and telling EVERYONE who will stand still and listen to her, "Aunt can't have sugar anymore." Folks, this is a four year old. Children are supposed to be adaptable and resillient.
Since I've started this adventure, I don't eat out. I actually try not to eat at other people's houses unless I bring my own food. I have a friend I used to eat out with a lot. So, the change in my routine has forced a change in hers. This person is also quite heavy. So, Saturday night, she asked if I wanted to go hang out at Barnes and Noble after I got off from work. I didn't get off until 8pm, so that was well past supper time, I assumed I was safe. I got to Barnes and Noble, went to the part of the store where we usually meet up, and she wasn't there. I knew she was in the store somewhere, so I texted her to ask where she was. She responded that she was in the cafe. I can't go and sit in the cafe at Barnes and Noble anymore than a newly sober alcoholic can go sit in a bar. I actually found just being in Barnes and Noble to be difficult. I associate going to Barnes and Noble with getting a treat. I texted her back telling her where I was and got comfortable.
It took her almost ten minutes to take the hint and come to where I was. I didn't say anything about it. I'm sure if I asked her what she was thinking, she would either say she wasn't thinking, or that she was thinking that the cafe tables were a damn convenient place to put her laptop. But, I can't help but wonder if it wasn't a passive aggressive attempt to force me back into my mold, so that things can go back to like they were before.
Almost as soon as I made up my mind to deal with this issue, I had a huge fight with my sister over it. I mentioned in my very first post that people resist change. My sister doesn't want me to change. My four year old niece doesn't want me to change. She still wants me to be the same aunt that takes her to get a treat after ballet every week. She's been very upset and telling EVERYONE who will stand still and listen to her, "Aunt can't have sugar anymore." Folks, this is a four year old. Children are supposed to be adaptable and resillient.
Since I've started this adventure, I don't eat out. I actually try not to eat at other people's houses unless I bring my own food. I have a friend I used to eat out with a lot. So, the change in my routine has forced a change in hers. This person is also quite heavy. So, Saturday night, she asked if I wanted to go hang out at Barnes and Noble after I got off from work. I didn't get off until 8pm, so that was well past supper time, I assumed I was safe. I got to Barnes and Noble, went to the part of the store where we usually meet up, and she wasn't there. I knew she was in the store somewhere, so I texted her to ask where she was. She responded that she was in the cafe. I can't go and sit in the cafe at Barnes and Noble anymore than a newly sober alcoholic can go sit in a bar. I actually found just being in Barnes and Noble to be difficult. I associate going to Barnes and Noble with getting a treat. I texted her back telling her where I was and got comfortable.
It took her almost ten minutes to take the hint and come to where I was. I didn't say anything about it. I'm sure if I asked her what she was thinking, she would either say she wasn't thinking, or that she was thinking that the cafe tables were a damn convenient place to put her laptop. But, I can't help but wonder if it wasn't a passive aggressive attempt to force me back into my mold, so that things can go back to like they were before.
New Blog
I decided to start a new blog that few, if anyone from my RL, will have access to. There's several reasons for this not the least of which is one friend who doesn't do well at keeping confidences. I don't think that it's malicious. She's a great friend in many other ways. She just has a big mouth. The other reason also has to do with this same person because she tends to have a "monkey see, monkey do..." thing going on. I don't want her, or anyone else in my RL, to know I've joined Overeaters Anonymous. But, in her case, I don't want her to start showing up at OA because that brings us right back to problem #1. I like having a place I can go and say things I not only wouldn't but couldn't say anything else. Example: "I absolutely believe that God (a power greater than myself) can restore me to sanity and remove the character defect of compulsive overeating and sugar addiction. I'm just not sure I believe that he will. My experience with God hasn't actually been like that. Usually, if I pray for something the exact opposite is almost guaranteed to happen." There is no place outside of OA I could ever safely say that IRL. If I said that at the meeting house, the verbal smack down I would get would hurt worse than a physical slap or punch ever could. I might even get put out of membership. If I said it in front of Big Mouth, it would probably get brought up at the next meeting of the C.S. Lewis Society.
Also, having nothing to do with this person - at this point - I don't want anyone in my RL knowing about Overeaters Anonymous. My family that lives around me - we don't do 12 Step Groups. We don't do counseling. We don't get help. To admit being powerless over my addiction is a huge character flaw. But, if I'm successful with achieving long term abstinence from sugar addiction, then that means maybe they could start confronting their own addictions. They don't want that. People like themselves how they are - whether they admit it or not. When one person in a group - especially in a family - starts changing then everyone around them is forced out of their comfort zone and forced to make changes as well. Since people don't like that, it is human nature, that they will try and force the *trouble maker* back into their mold, so that everything can go back to how we like it. So, I'm trying to be as secretive about what I'm doing as possible. I don't want to argue with my family about not eating any refined sugar. I don't want to argue with them about not eating red meat, and that would be a huge argument.
I think I'd even get opposition from my Meeting if they knew about it - because if I need OA then there's something that I need there that I'm not getting from the Meeeting, and that idea would be offensive to them.
Also, having nothing to do with this person - at this point - I don't want anyone in my RL knowing about Overeaters Anonymous. My family that lives around me - we don't do 12 Step Groups. We don't do counseling. We don't get help. To admit being powerless over my addiction is a huge character flaw. But, if I'm successful with achieving long term abstinence from sugar addiction, then that means maybe they could start confronting their own addictions. They don't want that. People like themselves how they are - whether they admit it or not. When one person in a group - especially in a family - starts changing then everyone around them is forced out of their comfort zone and forced to make changes as well. Since people don't like that, it is human nature, that they will try and force the *trouble maker* back into their mold, so that everything can go back to how we like it. So, I'm trying to be as secretive about what I'm doing as possible. I don't want to argue with my family about not eating any refined sugar. I don't want to argue with them about not eating red meat, and that would be a huge argument.
I think I'd even get opposition from my Meeting if they knew about it - because if I need OA then there's something that I need there that I'm not getting from the Meeeting, and that idea would be offensive to them.
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